Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.

- George Carlin

Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

- A T-Shirt

Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.

- A t-shirt

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

- Emo Philips

The planet is fine, the people are fucked.

- George Carlin

I recently heard about a mass murderer who killed seventeen people in three days... they say he was a loner. Well, of course he was. He apparently killed everyone he came in contact with!

- George Carlin

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.

- George Carlin

Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one

- Henry Louis Mencken

If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife.

- Jack Handey

Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.

- James Rodges, Murderer, On His Final Request Before The Firing Squad

How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else... why don't they use sex to sell condoms?

- Jeff Carnegie

How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children

- Lewis B. Frumkes (Book Title)

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

- Mike Wilmot

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

- Solomon Short

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.

- Stephen King

Let's Ban Humans. They All Suck Anyway.

- Unknown